++the one with life

at first it was about the lacking of something
the lacking of love?
or education?
or lights?
or faith?
or money?
or sex?
and it drifted people to do something alienate
to go haywire?
or the ability to fast (fast as in fasting because no money to eat)
or the eagerness to conduct a murder
or the curiosity of tasting the 'crack'
or self consiously committing suicide
or drowning with the flow.

hidup ini payah.
satu hari, kita gembira, duduk diatas,
mungkin diatas as in the hierarki of departmental organisation
or maybe di atas yg di awang awangan. yg rasanya mcm boleh je nak capai bintang dan bulan, rasa mcm boleh melompat2 diantara awan mcm son goku dalam dragonball.
kemudian, shit happens.
kita rase, kita jauh sangat di bawah.
perasaan selepas terjun kedalam air yg dalam, dunia sunyi sangat,
yg kita dengar hanyalah bunyi cungap nafas di dada.
atau,
perasaan semasa kite hampir accident.
derau darah kering, mengucap semangat. sambil dada berombak sgt kencang.
atau perasaan selepas kita rase kita buat dah betul dah, tp, cikgu ckp kita salah dan marah kita depan kelas.
perasaan malu yg macam kalau kita terselak kain baju kurung semasa naik/turun motosikal kawan kita didepan budak2 laki didepan dewan kuliah.

counting days.
lagi 25hari, genaplah setahun.
i dunno what was i thinking.
manusia disekeliling, kawan2, family members, officemates, yg rapat mahupon x penah aku suke selame ni,
ada yg melatah. ada yg menasihat. ada yg bertanya2. dan masih ada yg menganggap ini permainan.

semalam mase aku duduk dgn mak, mak tanye juga. pasal dia. pasal mak dia. pasal org lain..
"kesiannyeee dia. suami dia dah kawen?"
aku ckp dah...

pastu mak ckp benda yg paling aku tanak dengar.

andai itu takdirnya...

*hari ni aku emosi, drpd pagi takde mood nak kerja,
dan tak concentrate buat apapapon. adakah nak period?
haizzzzzzz
currently listening to:eman - i shut down
currently feeling:sad
i wanna be:a supermodel