++the one who forgive easily

we talked alot lately. me & s.
the other day, we talked about depressions.
how we had handled depressions.
some people cant control themselves, they went higher than just crying. they went over cutting themselves up, wrist cutting for instance. sleeping pill. drugs abuse. drinking much. fighting over the urge to jump off a cliff.

some people like s, they isolated themselves in the room. they cant eat. tak lalu makan katenyer. they locked themselves up and they cried million tears. dont even have the appetite to watch tv.

me, on the other hand, eat, eat and eat. i eat, drink, sleep infront of the TV, on the couch. thanx to the iphone. no need to walk anywhere. one moment im awake, ill go digging the refridgerator to find foods. if im hungry i cant sleep. sleeping is the fastest remedy towards thinking which literally strucking migrain to the head. tv is always on the music channels mode. no heavy csi drama can do justice to the heart.

s said, maybe u r not being that broken, maybe the palat the ex did was not that max.
i said, oh man! u dont know. the palat he did was the palatnest of all the palats in the world. u'll commit suicide to these types of palats (literally again). its just that i am a person who handled it slowly. not extremely. and actually, its because i am already kebal to his palats. mcm hati kering gituh.

should i be able to feel hati basah?

i was asking myself, one day, a new man will make me happy, i promise. but, can i give him a wet heart.
am i gonna became this hati kering always?
and forgive people easily as always?
what will happen if he knows my weakness, at forgiving?
will he treat me like the ex treat me?

"Dan bersegeralah kamu kepada ampunan dari Tuhanmu dan kepada surga yang luasnya seluas langit dan bumi, yang disediakan untuk orang-orang yang bertakwa. (Yaitu) orang-orang yag menafkahkan (hartanya), baik diwaktu lapang maupun di waktu sempit, dan orang-orang yang menahan amarahnya dan memaafkan (kesalahan) orang, Allah menyukai orang-orang yang berbuat baik. Dan (juga) orang yang apabila melakukan perbuatan keji atau menganiaya diri sendiri, mereka ingat akan Allah, lalu memohon ampun terhadap dosa-dosa mereka, dan siapa lagi yang dapat mengampuni dosa selain Allah. Dan mereka tidak meneruskan perbuatan kejinya itu, sedang mereka mengetahui. Mereka itu balasannya ialah ampunan dari Tuhan mereka dan surga yang mengalir di bawahnya sungai-sungai, sedang mereka kekal di dalamnya, dan itulah sebaik-baik pahala orang yang beramal. (Qs. Ali Imran 133-136)."

insha allah. wallahualam.

plus, i'm always at the lowest confident mode all the time.
a friend said, 'ko mmg suke rase org taksuke ko, rase org benci ko, rase itu rase ini'
truth is, yes, im always feeling small. like im ugly. im slow. im poor. im this im that. i have very low self esteem. i always felt like people dont like me.
how some people can look into a mirror and said 'cantiknye saye or hemsemnye saye'
and asked me "lawa tak saye? or hebat tak saye?"
confidently.
bukan main2 or gurau2.
is beyond my capabilities.